


Memory Lane

by theianitor



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M, Memories, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 21:43:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11194041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theianitor/pseuds/theianitor
Summary: They never talked about it. They never have. Kimi doesn’t think they ever will, either. He sees no need to, because apart from him thinking about it occasionally, they haven’t done anything in years. But it was always a secret. He’s never mentioned it to anyone... and the secrecy also means he’s never told Seb.





	Memory Lane

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! :) Back with a post for another rare-pair. Rated M for safety's sake, subject matter and all that. This was a long time in the making, but I needed help to get over the final hurdle. Sherrin, you're an absolute gem. <3

Thinking back, Kimi can’t quite remember how it started. He supposes the relationship – if it can even really be called that, but he doesn’t know what other name to put on it – was never about being memorable. It’s not love, it’s never been about love, it’s... he thinks ‘convenience’ probably fits best. A place to breathe where there is no judgment, nothing required or demanded, just two people with a mutual itch to scratch. It doesn’t even really bother him that he can’t remember how it started; he can’t remember how a lot of things started. What’s important is the now.

But lately, in the now, he can’t stop thinking about it. While he can’t remember how it started, he supposes it must have been in 2002, or thereabouts. They were both fairly new, and thinking back, they were ridiculously young. Early twenties, shit. They had not a fucking clue about a goddamned thing. They probably thought they did though. Young people are stupid that way, he thinks.

 

In the earliest beginning he thinks he found him annoying. He saw him talking to people easily, winning them over, being charming and sociable and attractive. Or at least _thinking_ himself very attractive. Kimi has never really thought of himself as attractive. He’s comfortable in his own skin, and beyond that he doesn’t really care. They both looked like kids back then though, like there was growing up to do.

He remembers one of their early encounters. It’s not where it all started; he believes the reason for that being unclear is that it was a gradual process. No, this is just the first time he can remember vividly, the clear crossing of a line. Before then they had shaken hands politely, hugged when celebration made it appropriate, and beyond that their interactions were completely normal. They sized each other up, compared and competed. It’s the way things are between drivers, where the veterans mostly stick together and the young do the same.

That time something was different however. He’s always been a cocky shit, but this time something in the way the other boy _felt_ made Kimi keep an eye on him. And perhaps that was what triggered it. Maybe it was Kimi watching him so intently that made him suddenly grab Kimi’s racing suit and pull him in between two motorhomes. It was nowhere near as private as it should have been, Kimi thinks in retrospect.

“Are you just going to stare at me all day then Raikkonen, or did you actually want something?” He was taken by surprise and the hold on the front of his suit hadn’t eased up. Kimi remembers thinking that he was about to get punched. It would have been more logical. But no, the other boy just looked at him, a weird sort of half-smile on his lips and an even weirder glint in his eyes. Then he quickly leaned in and kissed him. It was short, barely a brush of lips on lips, enough to be played off as an accident, small enough to be forgettable over time.

But Kimi had felt the stupid need to assert himself. To show that this didn’t shake him in the slightest, that he was, in fact, not only fine but _better_ than the other. So as soon as he was released he grabbed the other boy and slammed him against the same wall he’d just been up against and hissed in his most menacing voice.

“If I want something, I take it properly.”

Then he kissed him back. Probably with more force than was absolutely necessary, but even back then Kimi didn’t do anything by halves. It wasn’t his first kiss by any means. It was however the first with that much... teeth. It wasn’t very good, but it wasn’t meant to be good, it was meant to prove a point. And when he broke the kiss and looked at the other boy, who was no longer giving him that lopsided smile but rather looked like he’d just been struck by lightning, he felt the point had indeed been made. He spun around, walked out from between the motorhomes, and didn’t look back.

 

\--

_It was a sunny Saturday afternoon, with clear blue skies and a bit of a breeze. There were people all around, fans and staff all excited for the race which would begin in a few short hours. In the shade between two motorhomes, young Jenson Button was dazedly touching his lips, not quite sure what had hit him. He’d been watching Kimi for a while and was interested; Kimi was a challenge, a riddle, an exciting ‘what if’. It was just a bit of sport, a bit of fun, but he had to admit Kimi had won that round. He wasn’t even sure what he’d been expecting, really... but he’d never tell anyone what had happened._

\--

 

They never talked about it. They never have. Kimi doesn’t think they ever will, either. He sees no need to, because apart from him thinking about it occasionally, they haven’t done anything in years. Last time anything happened was... casting back, he realizes it must have been in 2009. Before he left Formula 1, before he and Seb were serious, before a lot of things. Kimi knows Jenson’s had other relationships while they were doing... whatever they were doing. Kimi has too. And he doesn’t actually feel guilty about it, because what he and Button have is a non-relationship.

It’s not even like they regularly had sex. It was just an outlet, a recreational activity – some people play golf, he sometimes fucked one of his colleagues. Besides, the only relationship he’d feel guilty about stepping out on is the only one he has _never_ done so in. And he means to keep it that way.

The thing is, it was always a secret. There were rumors about other drivers, but not once has he heard a rumor about himself and Button. Considering how the rumor mill works in the paddock he’s sure he would have. The secrecy was never spoken of or decided on, it just happened. He’s never mentioned it to anyone, and has no reason to think Button has either. But the secrecy also means he’s never told Seb. Lately he’s found that it makes him feel dishonest, and he can’t have that. Towards someone else, maybe, but not Seb.

 

The next line crossed comes in 2003, and Kimi remembers it clearly. He wins his first race, and it’s elating and incredible, he’s proud and happy. There’s champagne and celebration and he’s never really been one to turn down alcohol. He’s drunk. Not as bad as he’s ever been, not even close, but definitely drunk.

And then Button’s there, and they’re in Kimi’s room, and they’re sitting on the bed and Button is kissing him. It’s not the usual posturing and pushing for control between them though, none of that. It’s more like Button is trying to please him. It’s soft and pleasant, inviting. Button looks good, and he’s nowhere near as drunk as Kimi is.

“So are you going to tell me what you want, or are you going to just take it properly?” he says with that self-assured smirk that Kimi just wants to wipe off of his face.

“I want you to suck my dick,” he says. He still doesn’t know if he really meant it literally or as more of a ‘fuck off’, but that’s what he said. And Jenson got off the bed and on his knees and didn’t say another word until he said “night, Raikkonen” when he left the room. Kimi remembers the experience as being surprisingly good.

Not wanting to wait for Button to win a race, he took the first opportunity he had to reciprocate. He was glad that he and Button didn’t talk much, because he didn’t want to talk about it, he wanted to do it. He figures Button has always been holding back around him though, because he’s generally a talker.

Kimi’s quite happy to not talk. Even when Button asked him if he was sure he wanted to do this, he didn’t answer, he just went on with it. It wasn’t the first time he’d done it but it was still somewhat uncharted territory, and having somebody talking would have just been distracting. Button seemed pleased though, and once the line had been crossed it became more of a semi-regular thing.

 

\--

_It was always fascinating to Jenson how different he and Kimi were. Personally, he liked the chase, a bit of flirting and banter. Kimi’s idea of flirting was basically nodding in the general direction of either’s hotel room. Take it or leave it. Jenson had already decided before it happened that he’d offer Kimi something more when either won their first race. If he won, he’d say he wanted to celebrate and if it was badly received he could blame being drunk. If Kimi won, well... he wouldn’t turn Jenson down. It was at least not very likely._

_Kimi won first. Jenson was a bit nervous; he’d done it before, sure, but not a whole lot and he wanted to be good enough to get a repeat performance. It was nice that Kimi didn’t talk so much, he might have chickened out if there had been questions. He did his best to not show his nerves, did his best with the other stuff too. When he left and the door closed behind him he snickered to himself. He felt exhilarated and almost skipped back down to the bar._

\--

 

He and Button view sex differently, Kimi realizes when he looks back on it. He has always thought that sex can be so many things, all of which are nice in their own way, but Button only seemed to see it as “getting off” or something almost celebratory, happy and special. And even if Button doesn’t remember when he first realized sex can be something else, Kimi knows exactly when he did, because he was there to see it happen.

It was in 2005. They were both still fairly young, living fairly incredible lives. Button was disqualified and a bunch of other crap. It wasn’t his fault but that sort of thing is always shit. Kimi figured he would want to release some energy, get it out of his system – he certainly would have.

But Button didn’t seem to understand. It was like he was stopping himself and making himself even more frustrated rather than just getting it out. Talking too much, as fucking usual. Finally Kimi had gotten tired of it and shoved him against the wall of the hotel room. For a second, Button looked like he was going to shove back, but Kimi got his hand into Button’s pants and grabbed his cock, which seemed to confuse him. Kimi got on his knees and actually placed Button’s hand on his own head, staring up at the other man, daring him to do it.

For a few seconds he wondered if Button was too dumb to understand, or if he really didn’t want it. But then he felt Button’s fingers shakily grab a hold of his hair and knew the message had gotten through. It was rough, certainly rougher than what he was used to from the Brit, but not unpleasant. Another line crossed, and another thing they could call on each other for added to the list.

 

\--

_It was the worst possible night for it. The race was good, but everything after... part of Jenson wanted to drown his sorrows and move on. When Kimi approached him, he thought it might help get his mind off the stupid disqualification, but no, it wasn’t working. Kimi, as usual, didn’t talk much so it was like venting to a wall. Usually it was easy, this thing. It was fun and simple and a little forbidden; it was the thrill of doing something a little bit bad, with getting off as the cherry on top. This, however, was frustrating._

_Kimi pushed him up against the wall and it sent Jenson’s mind spinning. Did he want to fight? But then there was a firm grip on his cock and Kimi was kissing him hard, not giving him time to breathe. Kimi got down on his knees... then he didn’t move. He put Jenson’s hand in his hair. Jenson took hold of the blonde strands, thinking Kimi would stop him if he pushed this further._

_He didn’t. Jenson was a bit confused at first but... it kind of felt right. When he understood just how much control he’d been granted he groaned and smacked his head against the wall behind him. He wasn’t sure how Kimi felt about repeatedly being called a ‘gorgeous fucking cocksucker’, but if he minded, he didn’t say. The next time Kimi had a bad race Jenson let him pretty much have his way with him. He could definitely see the appeal._

\--

 

Kimi doesn’t know a lot of things about Button. They’ve always been friendly enough but never really close, and he supposes he’s just never bothered to find stuff out. He doesn’t know if he was Button’s first. Button wasn’t his. By the time Button’s first win came around Kimi kind of knew that would be their first time actually having sex. A first win just seemed to merit something... more. So it was in 2006, and this time Button was the one who was drunk and happy, smelling of champagne.

He didn’t seem surprised when Kimi took a condom out of his pocket. Kimi, however, was slightly surprised when Button said “no, you” and rolled over on his stomach for him when he offered him said condom. He didn’t argue. He was never going to argue. He supposes it’s just another way they’re different.

He remembers being careful, since he didn’t know – still doesn’t know – if it was Button’s first time or not. It can hurt like hell if you get it wrong, he knew that well enough even then, and regardless of what their relationship may or may not be he didn’t want it to hurt. So he was careful, looked for any signs of discomfort, took it slow. Button cursed and moaned and by the time they were finished he was all sweaty and his hair was damp and messy. Kimi thinks it’s the first time he really saw Button lose himself, and he likes the memory of it.

 

\--

_Jenson’s first win felt fucking amazing. Champagne on the podium, a short on-site celebration with the team, and the whole time he could feel Kimi watching him. He’d had pole, he could have won it. Jenson was a little concerned, but... that was racing. Besides, whether it was celebration or venting, they were probably going to end up in bed together._

_It wasn’t Jenson’s first time with a guy, but he didn’t know if it was Kimi’s. He assumed it wasn’t. He’d made sure to keep a condom in his wallet but Kimi beat him to it, pulling one out of his pocket and handing it over. If anything that confirmed to Jenson that Kimi was a good choice in bed-partner. He felt much too drunk to be responsible for these proceedings though, so he hoped he wasn’t misreading any cues and simply offered himself up._

_There was no way it was Kimi’s first time. He was a good lay. A_ really _good lay. Jenson found himself clawing at the sheets, unsure whether he’d ever been so thoroughly_ fucked _before, saying things he couldn’t remember – Kimi hardly said a word. He went about his business, close and comfortable but not crowding him in any way. When Jenson asked if he could come (because he certainly didn’t beg), Kimi laughed, a low, just slightly out-of-breath chuckle. Jenson swore to himself to get him back for that at the first possible opportunity._

_He didn’t have to wait long._

\--

 

By the time Kimi left Formula 1 he and Button had had sex many more times. He doesn’t know how many – who keeps track of that sort of stuff anyway? It tapers off slightly when there are other relationships and ramps up again when there aren’t. It’s never been on any kind of schedule but the sex has always been good. In the beginning it usually went with particularly good or bad results, but Kimi thinks that was just an excuse. As soon as they had both realized that it sort of happened when it happened. By then a certain German had also come into the picture.

He and Seb were always friendly in a way he and Button have never been. He remembers finding Seb attractive even back then but he doesn’t like to think about it. Seb has always looked so _young_ , it’s almost disturbing. He’s a brilliant driver, funny and confident and likeable. Seb had stars in his eyes and acted like Kimi was his idol. Kimi still thinks it’s funny and teases Seb sometimes that he could have had him much earlier if he’d just asked.

His relationship with Seb moved slowly in the beginning though. Neither thought the other was interested in that way and Kimi would have rather remained just friends than lost Seb altogether. At the end of 2009 he wasn’t quite sure where he and Seb stood, their mixed signals to each other were kind of straining the friendship and leaving he felt... strange.

The last time he and Button were together was at yet another hotel, but he can’t remember in what country. It was just like any other time; he just needed to work off some of the frustration. Button had playfully pulled at his admittedly too long hair and asked if this was so the “rally-boys” would have some means of controlling him. Kimi had shot back, saying he was the only one who could ignore how annoying Button was long enough to fuck him. When Button left Kimi’s room, the last thing he said was “cheers, Raikkonen”.

 

\--

_Jenson was too busy trying to nail down a world championship to feel anything about Kimi leaving, really. He’d miss him, sure. A great driver and a good, if sometimes slightly abrasive, guy... a pretty great lay... but Jenson wasn’t going to try to influence the situation in any way. It wasn’t a relationship like that. They fucked when there was opportunity, when they felt like it. If Kimi left, there’d be less opportunity, but that was all there was to it._

_He had, however, tried to figure out where else Kimi might be spending his opportunities. Not out of jealousy though, just curiosity. It wasn’t like he was left without anything (or anyone) else to do. When either was getting it elsewhere, they saw less of each other – it was only natural. But the way Kimi was acting when they met up suggested his ‘elsewhere’ may not be turning out the way he wanted._

_Jenson figured the least he could do was play nice. In Japan he suggested they meet up, Kimi agreed, everything was as simple as ever. He teased Kimi about his hair, going in to quite some detail about the benefits the veterans might find in a rally rookie with long hair. Kimi finally pushed him up against a wall and pinned him there. Despite being so physically imposing he sounded completely normal when he wondered aloud how Jenson would fare with no sex at all, seeing as how he was the only one who could ignore how fucking annoying he was long enough to fuck him._

_Jenson laughed and said they’d better make the best of it then. Daringly, in a move to persuade Kimi to let him go and open the goddamned door, he kissed him. It was as public as they’d ever been, an empty hotel corridor – well. Empty save for Sebastian Vettel._

_He was standing at the far end of the hall and staring at them with a bottle of champagne in his hand. Jenson saw him over Kimi’s shoulder, and he looked upset. No, he looked absolutely crushed. Since Jenson had better things to do that night he didn’t hear until next morning that Red Bull had more or less sent out a search party for Seb. They’d found him in the wee hours of the morning, still mostly drunk, covered in sick, asleep in the stairwell on the top floor._

_Jenson added that up with the fact that Kimi had not once, but twice uttered a name in bed that was much too far from Jenson’s own to just be the Finnish accent playing tricks on him...  it wasn’t a hard equation to solve. He hoped they’d work it out._

\--

 

They didn’t see each other again until 2012, when Kimi returned to Formula 1. It felt like coming home, not in the least because of Sebastian. They’d been in contact while Kimi was away, but it had been sporadic and mostly connected to other things, like Sebastian’s wins. Kimi doesn’t know if he’s ever been happier than when Sebastian came to his room that first night back. He’d only just opened the door and then Seb was literally in his face, kissing him like his life depended on it. When he stepped back Kimi saw that tiny flicker of fear, the same way he’d felt so many times when they were together, a fear that their friendship was going to be destroyed. Then Seb smiled.

“You don’t get to ever leave me again,” he said. Kimi laughed.

He met Button again soon after that. In the paddock, somewhere between the endless media duties and actually driving the car, they sort of ran in to each other. He smiled at him and Button gave him one of those crooked grins back.

“Love how you kept all this,” he said, flicking a strand of blonde hair that stuck out from under Kimi’s cap.

“Yeah,” he replied with a shrug, not exactly sure of how to go about this. Awkward conversations had never been their thing. Hell, _conversations_ had never been their thing. “Eh... me and S...” Button held his hands up to stop him.

“Finally got there, did you?”

Kimi just nodded, stunned.

“I’ll see you around then, Raikkonen.”

And that was the end of that. Since then they had been friendly enough, but Button hadn’t so much as joked in a way that could be interpreted wrong.

 

\--

_Kimi came back in 2012 and at the first race Jenson decided to test the waters. He was tempted to let Kimi stutter his way through explaining that he’d finally gotten things on track with Seb, but his better nature won out. He would never get in the way of proper love... especially not when there was other, more willing prey about. He was sure the old saying had been misquoted somewhere along the way; blondes didn’t_ have _more fun, they_ were _more fun._

\--

 

From the very start, Kimi and Seb talked about stuff. Everything. Except this. Not even during the obligatory sexual-history-conversation, long after they first got together, did he bring up Button and he can’t really say why. Button isn’t an ex, so it never came up when they talked about those. Then it felt strange to mention it, so he never did. Now, it feels like it might be too late, somehow.

With Seb it’s love. Actual, unexplainable, love. Seb makes his heart beat faster. It feels right to fall asleep together, wake up together, be around each other. He thinks he must be getting old, going soft, but he still can’t deny the truth of it: it’s love, simple as that.

His mind has painted the worst possible scenarios, of course. As soon as he decided that the right thing to do was to tell Seb, his brain played out a horrible scene where Sebastian would feel so hurt, so betrayed that he would just... leave. It makes Kimi’s heart hurt to think about it. He doesn’t want that, but he can’t feel guilty about this shit any longer.

 

The knock on the door startles him. It’s fucking bothersome that he and Seb still have to sneak around like they’re doing something wrong. Even now that they’re on the same team they have to be careful, especially in public. He gets off the bed and lets Seb in.

“Hey,” Seb says, giving Kimi a quick kiss before taking his shoes off and going in to the room, flopping down on the bed with a sigh. “I’ll never understand why they think it’s interesting to ask the same things every single year.” Kimi sits down on the bed beside him. Might as well just get it over with, he figures. He takes a deep breath.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he starts.

“That sounds serious.” There’s nothing serious in Seb’s voice, not until he looks at Kimi and realizes he’s not trying to be funny. Seb sits up.

“What’s wrong?” His hand is on Kimi’s and he looks worried.

“I... eh.” Kimi doesn’t know where to start. “Remember when we...” every opening he has for this sounds so dumb. “Remember when we talked about... before?”

“Before what?”

“Before... us.”

“You’re going to have to give me more to go on,” he says, and Kimi sighs.

“Remember when we talked about... old relationships?”

Sebastian nods. Kimi is usually more prone to speaking if left alone, but he kind of wishes Seb would ask.

“I... I left something out.” Sebastian’s eyebrows draw a little closer together.

“Left something out?”

“Yeah I... I didn’t tell you everything.”

“Okay?” Sebastian looks confused and Kimi can only imagine what he’s thinking. They’ve always been honest with each other, it hasn’t always been easy but it has been for the best.

“Yeah I... left someone out.”

“Some... one?” Sebastian punctuates. Kimi nods.

“Kimi have you... did you...” His tone is slightly stressed now, and Kimi realizes what he’s thinking.

“No no! No. This is from before. Long ago. Before us.” Kimi stops talking again and feels slightly embarrassed. Sebastian looks relieved, but confused.

“Who?” he says. Kimi mumbles the answer, just wanting to get it over with now. “What?”

“I left out Button,” he says a bit louder. Silence. Sebastian is just looking at him, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“ _Jenson_ Button?” he finally asks. Kimi nods. “You’re acting all weird because you didn’t tell me before that you’d slept with Jenson Button... how long ago?”

“Eh... six... seven years?”

“But Kims...” Sebastian is smiling, and using the stupid pet name he only ever uses when he thinks Kimi is being particularly silly or childish. “I already knew about that.” Kimi chokes a little.

“You already knew?” Seb nods in a self-satisfied way. “How?”

Sebastian shrugs. “I figured it out.”

 

\--

_2010 wasn’t the best year Jenson had ever had in F1, but he still enjoyed it. If Seb was feeling any distractions, he certainly wasn’t showing it on track – he was doing great. There was a weird tension between them however, and Jenson, who prided himself on being pretty good at figuring things out, had to admit this one took him way too long._

_In Spain they were on the podium together and he took the opportunity to approach Sebastian afterwards. At first, Sebastian seemed almost disgusted by his request to talk and Jenson realized Seb thought he was out to cheat on Kimi. Several drinks and explanations later, he felt the air was sufficiently cleared. He told Seb to not waste time, and asked him not to tell Kimi that they’d talked about this. Seb promised he wouldn’t._

\--

\-- The End --

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for the read! :) This was all in good fun, as usual. <3


End file.
